day 1 (or, hello october)

This morning was chilly - fifty something degrees, and I sat on the porch and sipped coffee in only a flimsy nightgown, just to feel the cold. I love the person I become each fall - the studious, disciplined Heather, suddenly aware of this big open road stretched wide before me. There is so much possibility, it seems.

Fall Heather does things that Summer Heather would totally roll her eyes over. I get weird about crafts and collecting buggy leaves and pinecones outside, hoping to turn them into chic decor. I read not just for fun, but to seriously study things like theology and even a little philosophy. I paint my nails deep purple and suddenly get excited about socks and mauve lipstick. Mauve, which always ends up being a mistake.

I know this version of me; she's a familiar friend by now. One of those weird friends you don't fully understand, but still really like.

And just like always, I have a fallish craving to learn, to really apply myself to something. Some years it's writing a novel, or painting, or (heaven help us) learning to cook.

This year, however, I have a sudden desire to grow and be stretched in my faith like I haven't in a long time. All this Jesus-y stuff that can sometimes feel so reduntant is suddenly new and alive and exciting.

I'm still reading straight through the Bible, still trying to figure out what it means to put myself in God's Story. But I'm also delving into deep waters that I haven't quite ventured into before - learning about the spiritual disciplines and what it means to truly die to myself, in one way or another, every day. Fasting, meditation, solitude...this has mostly just been head knowledge to me up until now. But I'm discovering the joy and surprises of taking my walk with God seriously and it's opening up my stubborn little heart.

Part of me is concerned. Is this just Fall Heather, getting excited about learning and trying new things? Is this just a phase or a fad, this spiritual discipline stuff?

Maybe it is. Maybe I'm not sincerely seeking God, and am instead just trying to "do better." I really don't know. But I'm also thinking maybe it doesn't hurt to try. I'd rather do something in the excitement of a new season, for maybe slightly skewed intentions, than not do it at all.