I love our apartment. I really, really do. It's so carpety and homey and when you walk in after a long day away it smells cold and clean like a beach house.
We signed our lease, one more year. And at first that freaked me out a little. Another whole year. Because, yeah, sure, it's cute, but another whole year? In an apartment? Does that mean that we're stuck, that we're not moving forward into adulthood by buying a house, settling down, growing babies (or at the very least, tomatoes) etc?
Mostly the thought of staying is what keeps me up at night. I've spent so much of my life planning and rushing into the Next Thing that the thought of actually staying somewhere, even somewhere I love, is daunting. Because staying means that those pictures on the wall are going to be there a while. It means I can't distract myself with figuring out what's next. It means I have to be fully present right here because we ain't going anywhere.
I moved around a lot as a kid and learned to love change, to almost need it, because it was an easy escape. Too shy to make friends at this school? That's okay, I'll be somewhere new next year. Don't like this house, these neighbors? Well, we're moving in a few months. Things will be better then.
But, now that I'm forced into it, I have to admit that I kind of like this staying thing. It's like your favorite show, how it doesn't really get good until the second or third season when you've gotten to know the character's quirks. Staying put helps me to slow down and see things long term, find the beauty in the process. I'm learning alternate routes through town, the names of the cashiers at the store, what this person's story is, the story you can only earn the right to hear over time and cups of coffee.
And that being-present mindset is starting to take over my whole life. I've stopped stressing about finding a new job. I'm slowing down, shifting my thinking enough to where I can actually see the people around me - to appreciate them, reach out just a little more, get out of my head and into a conversation at a coffee shop. It's weird and new, being this person with her feet planted firmly on the ground (or in this case, carpet.) But I love it. I love becoming this more content, settled version of myself.
Wow, this is kind of the first time I've read about actually hiding behind change…And it makes so much sense! I guess I do that too, somewhat brainwashed by adults telling me (from childhood) that school is just temporary, the rest of life is what counts, when it starts, blah blah blah. And then I made it a habit to apply this to too many parts of my life. I spent this last year of school staying very disengaged, thinking it's temporary enough for me to not even try. And now I'm doing the same with my summer job! Fascinating :)
ReplyDeleteas a new(ish) mother i feel i really have to say this to married couples before kids come in to the picture: enjoy your free time. enjoy this time with just the two of you. everything changes when you have kids. YOU change when you have kids. enjoy all the days you can sleep in and stay up late and go to the grocery store in under 20 minutes. enjoy it all :)
ReplyDeleteI LOVE THIS, Heather! I'm getting married in October and moving from city life Phoenix AZ to small town livin in Idaho Falls, ID. I am beyond excited about the change but it is a little overwhelming at times. I am very much like you in the sense of wanting to rush into the next stage of life. I have a hard time staying present in the moment of the current season I am in and I get lost daydreaming about the next season. The Lord is teaching me to slow down and appreciate the moment and everything/everyone in it.
ReplyDeletexoxo, kerri
This is a seriously awesome post, Heather! So much truth. Sometimes I itch for change, but I need to see the beauty in staying and enjoying the current season.
ReplyDeleteMy dad was in the Marine Corps and we moved around every two years growing up! I totally understand that feeling. It's scary and wonderful at the same time. There's this innate desire to keep moving and try new places, but at the same time, we can't truly grow if we aren't fully involved. To be fully involved, we must invest ourselves into one place and that takes time.
ReplyDeleteI have been feeling the same way lately, our lease is almost up and we have decided to stay another year. My thoughts tend to take the path of "are we stuck?" "why are we not taking the next step?" It feels like all of our close friends are moving forward with babies and houses, but then I take a step back and tell myself that this moment right here is the only one we get, so I try to cherish our apartment and how our life is currently.
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