Thursday, July 10, 2014
at 5:50 AM
I love our apartment. I really, really do. It's so carpety and homey and when you walk in after a long day away it smells cold and clean like a beach house.
We signed our lease, one more year. And at first that freaked me out a little. Another whole year. Because, yeah, sure, it's cute, but another whole year? In an apartment? Does that mean that we're stuck, that we're not moving forward into adulthood by buying a house, settling down, growing babies (or at the very least, tomatoes) etc?
Mostly the thought of staying is what keeps me up at night. I've spent so much of my life planning and rushing into the Next Thing that the thought of actually staying somewhere, even somewhere I love, is daunting. Because staying means that those pictures on the wall are going to be there a while. It means I can't distract myself with figuring out what's next. It means I have to be fully present right here because we ain't going anywhere.
I moved around a lot as a kid and learned to love change, to almost need it, because it was an easy escape. Too shy to make friends at this school? That's okay, I'll be somewhere new next year. Don't like this house, these neighbors? Well, we're moving in a few months. Things will be better then.
But, now that I'm forced into it, I have to admit that I kind of like this staying thing. It's like your favorite show, how it doesn't really get good until the second or third season when you've gotten to know the character's quirks. Staying put helps me to slow down and see things long term, find the beauty in the process. I'm learning alternate routes through town, the names of the cashiers at the store, what this person's story is, the story you can only earn the right to hear over time and cups of coffee.
And that being-present mindset is starting to take over my whole life. I've stopped stressing about finding a new job. I'm slowing down, shifting my thinking enough to where I can actually see the people around me - to appreciate them, reach out just a little more, get out of my head and into a conversation at a coffee shop. It's weird and new, being this person with her feet planted firmly on the ground (or in this case, carpet.) But I love it. I love becoming this more content, settled version of myself.