After a long day alone, while Trevor was at work, I happened upon a Starbucks only minutes from my apartment. I ordered an Earl Grey and handed my last Starbucks gift card to the unsmiling barista, silently praying I had just enough money left on it for my tea. We are both still looking for jobs (Trevor's job at the church is part-time), and are trying to be as careful as possible with our spending.
I need a job, not only for the financial aspect, but as something to fill my long days; a place to, oh I don't know, interact with people. The loneliness was weighing on me heavily last week, each day stretching into the next until I couldn't tell them apart. I spent hours on the couch devouring cheesy chick-lit novels and endless amounts of tortilla chip crumbs. I was lazy and irritable, determined to believe the lie that I would be forever stuck in a cycle of yoga pants and messy buns.
I had just learned that I would not be getting the job as I had been counting on and, aside from the pathetic array of choices in the Job Finder newsletter in front of me (which was nothing but ads for cruise trips and rosacea pills), I didn't have too many options.
After trashing the Job Finder, I sat by the window with my tea and Margaret Feinberg book, desperate to hear through its pages that God was there, that He had a plan for me. And I did, and He does. I was there for hours, teary eyes racing across the pages as love and grace worked its way back into my heart.
I think, in this season of blurried vision and unclear direction, God is asking me what my foundation is. Is it in Him or is it in the things I can see and grab onto for a momentary sense of security? I have decided I want it to be Him. This entire move is such a God-thing; all for His glory. It's not supposed to be an easy ride intended for own personal comfort, it's a season of growth and renewal. And I'm so thankful for His process, for all that He's teaching me.
I'm through with this "woe is me" attitude that leads to entirely too much tortilla chip consumption. I'm ready to receive what He has for me right now, with or without answers or certainties, with or without immediate gratifications. And for the first time since moving here, I am totally at peace.