Tuesday, October 8, 2013

real talk

Dear You,

After a long weekend of driving and wedding festivities, I am content to sit here and watch the rain, fourth cup of coffee in my hand because that's allowed on Mondays.

Can I tell you a secret? Last week was miserable for me. Like, dark night of the soul kind of miserable. As Anne of Green Gables would say, I was "in the depths of despair."

Okay, it wasn't that bad.

Not trying to be all dramatic here. But it was hard.

As many of you know, I moved across North Carolina five months ago with my husband, and still haven't found a stable job. What's worse it that I don't even know what kind of job I'm looking for, which leads me to all those awful, "What is the purpose of my life?" thoughts. I was cranky and lonely and even a little jealous of my husband, who is living his dream job and actually interacting with people during the day.

Even worse, I was completely stuck in my novel-writing, convinced that I should just give up because nothing will ever come of it, anyway.

Is this whiny and depressing? Bear with me.

So I was reading a book by the fantastic Julia Cameron, and the book was, ironically, about being in  a slump, creative and otherwise. And she said that artists, in particular, are tempted to get "drunk on anxiety", a state in which it is impossible to move forward in almost every area of life.

Drunk on anxiety.

I finally had a name to what I was experiencing. It was time for me to sober up and let God back in.

So today, I am taking small steps. I am going to write words that encourage others (and, let's be honest, myself) and look for God in the small things. In the book, Cameron talks about finding God in cleaning, in baking bread, in washing her hair. I love that. Because though it sounds silly and simple, but it's not as silly as wallowing in self-pity on the couch and wondering where God is.

I'm setting out to find Him today. I hope you do, too.




  1. I feel like you wrote this for me. I am so guilty of getting "drunk on anxiety," and is it any wonder? I'm a photographer. I could choose to be anxious every day if I wanted to. But, that small voice of the Holy Spirit reminds me that I can cast all fears on God and no matter what He's got things under control. Thanks for always being so authentic, it is incredibly refreshing!

  2. I hope this week is better for you, Heather. Seek God wholeheartedly! The best is yet to come.

  3. I totally get all of this. We do get drunk on anxiety, don't we, us creative types.....it seems so unfair! But maybe that's the way we have to be in order to create, and to keep grasping for passion and what we're meant to do with our gifts. It helps, I think, to remember that we can bring glory to Him in the simplest ways. Just like you said. Sometimes I feel guilty for spending a few hours in the afternoon reading a novel, but then I remember that words stimulate my mind and heart and soul, and that's all part of being a creative person. Let's not be so hard on ourselves, what do you say? :)

  4. this is so good. and so describes where i've been (with a dash of exhaustion) for awhile now in my creativity, or lack thereof. i think i might have to find that book and soak it up.

    also? i'm really excited that i found your blog. and possibly too excited that you live in north carolina, too.

  5. Drunk on anxiety. That describes me better than I would ever care to admit.

    I hope you feel better soon. Just the realisation that willowing in self pity is the easy way out is such a big step forward! Hang in there :)

  6. Anne reference! Love it. And I love this post. This is a lot of where I'm at too. But, like Anne, I can fly high too. That's got to count for something, right? :)

  7. "Drunk on anxiety" - that's gonna stay with me a long, long time.

  8. Gahhh I've tried to send this like 10 times so I'm sorry in advance if it spams you.

    I actually just moved to Durham recently with MY husband (who also gets to do his dream job and interact with actual people everyday) and I too sit at home questioning my purpose in life. Especially this week. Bleh.

    But anyways, WE ARE BASICALLY TWINS. We should hang out.

  9. I hope this week is 150 times better for you. The Lord is there for you in HUGE ways!

  10. Stumbled across your blog yesterday, just read back to your beginnings here, and am sOo grateful that you write with such joy and humor (and that you have left the porch light on in blogland).
    I love that you're allowing your life to unfold with such awareness and appreciation.
    Thank you, Sue

  11. Drunk on anxiety. Oh, that's me! Thanks for being so vulnerable and transparent on your blog. I've been feeling much of the same this past year. But those little steps help :) Have a great weekend!

  12. I'm loving your words on small steps. I've never viewed dealing with anxiety from this perspective, and I must say I love it! I think perhaps subconsciously I've always attended to solutions in dealing with anxiety in small steps but never fully realized it. This post definitely will ring a bell in my mind every time need be. Thanks for the reminder and wonderful inspiration! By the way, what book did you read by Julia Cameron? I'm dying to know haha! Sounds like a great read!

  13. "let us spur one another on to love and good deeds"

    i know this season is hard (i lived it - for 2 years of part time, questioning my degree, retail, low pay, and all those pesky identity lies) but i want to encourage you that you have purpose. you in the now. you have time to blog, write, dream, encourage. no matter what job you have you are called to love on others and you are so capable of that! when i read your post that verse popped into my head. that is your purpose and one that can be lived out without a job or a plan. through your blog, your writing, your attitude, you coffee shop iterations, your part time job, your marriage. i am excited for what the Lord is teaching you in this hard season!

  14. This might be my favorite blog post of all time. Hooray!

    I stumbled upon your instagram yesterday and your blog today - hello from the other side of the internet. I'm Ingrid, and I'm from Norway. How lovely it is to read what you write and look at your pretty Project Life pages. :)

    Have a nice day, stranger!


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